Just yesterday, a close fren called and started crying to me on the phone like 8.20am when I was still in my la la land. Getting worried, I told her to speak calmly. In summary, she wants to divorce her husband. They were together for 5 years, married 1.5 years ago and she has a son who is 1 yr old now. BTW, she's only 25. The reason, personality differences. Gosh, how many times or how many of such episode do we have to see to learn what is good for us and not get too blinded by love? When can logic and rationale get into us before we can see if the other party is suitable? I guess all of us need to reflect on this.
Before marriage when they were together, she was all along a stubborn lady who needs lots of reasoning, logic and compelling reasons to make her give in or agree with you. She's too logical for her own good. On the other hand, he was very addicted to computers, loves to drink (actually both loves to drink) and is lazy. She took it that he was easy going. Now with the baby, everything just got blown up and got out of hand.
He was not ready to be a father, not ready to sacrifice his freedom although he has been saying that he hopes to have children soon. Knowing that the responsibility is so much more than he thought, I guessed it puts alot of stress and pressure in him. He even said that taking care of the child is ten times more tiring than working. So he, as a father, always sits in front of the computer or TV, rather than carrying his child. Even if he does it, it was a short span like 5 minutes (which she went to time!!!) and returned back to the mum insisting that it was already 20 minutes. This shows how draggy it is for him. When the baby started to cry for milk, he would say things like "please wait 5 minutes, I need to finish my game". I dun think a baby can wait for their milk... Whenever she suggested going out as a family, all he wanted to do or go is right below the flat or nearby. What she wanted was to expose the baby to a different environment, to the zoo to see animals, to town to see crowds and lightings etc... To him, being a father means bringing in the bread (which i agree), carrying the baby for 5 minutes, bringing the baby downstairs is the most sacrificial thing he would ever do. To her, these are not considered in her list of sacrificial items at all. To her, it's too simple. I guess this is where expectation differs.
And so, he doesnt help in taking care of the child and she was totally drained out which affects their communications leading to greater issues. He became short tempered and she refuse to talk to him. To her, her husband was never there to help anyway so she can cope with the child herself after the divorce. He blames her for being stubborn and said that she is the mummy and should take care of the child. Once he was on leave and she fell sick. Logically, as a daddy, he should take care of the baby. She went to the clinic, do her chores which took up about 3 hours and when she came back, the husband said "you think i took leave to take care of the baby? It's wasting my leave". To all of us, this sounds ridiculous. Isnt that his baby too? Why is it the mummy's job all the time? Mummy feed at night? Mummy wipe the pee and poo? Mummy carry? Mummy works too!! Can feel the frustrations in her. Sometimes, guys just need to help out. Sooner or later, she is going to break down, her body will give way.
To be honest, no one changes. She was the stubborn gal he knew all along. He was the lazy computer addict all along who loves to drink. The problem was magnified only when they lived together, only when the baby came. We can never change each other but we have to take note of all these little habits on whether it will become a problem in the future.
It sets me thinking now that we should always evaluate our partner now to see if he is a good husband, a good father material and not a good boyfriend only. There is a difference between those. A good boyfriend is one who showers you with gifts, someone you think is fun to be with, makes you laugh etc... someone whom we usually close one eye and think he is the one. A good husband/father is one whom you will wake up in the middle of the night, and still see him in the bed and not out drinking, someone who shares the chores, someone who is committed and willing to sacrifice his freedom for his family. Someone stable and dependable whom you can live with.
I'm not sure if this sounds crazy, but I always believe in going for pre-marriage courses before committing to prepare ourselves for the BIG responsibilities that are coming our way. As the Chinese saying goes "因为不了解才在一起。因为了解才分开。" How true it is. I guess it's always good to iron out the responsibilities as in who will take of what chores, who will take care of the baby for the feeding at what time etc. Yes, although it sounds like a super sticky routine time table but if it must be done this way to be disciplined and not push around, it has to be done. We must always let our partner know what we can do best and what we cant. For example, I cannot iron so I sure will not be doing this in future. But all other chores, I can do it. We have to share all these burdens.
In the past, woman will do all the housework because the men are bringing in the bread. But today, we, women have to go out to bread in the other half of the bread too. So isn't it fair for the men to help out? We are not Superwoman at all. We get tired too.
Having said that, of cos i see many happy marriages among my frens too and I'm sure they must have worked things out. It takes two hands to clap. We must never take each other for granted or things will go downhill.
No comments:
Post a Comment