We are always planning. Talking about things 2 - 3 years down the road. Oh well, planning is good but one particular area is still sensitive to touch on. Nope, not religion but housing issues.
I totally understand how he is feeling. As the Chinese saying goes, 掌心也是肉掌背也是肉. As much as I want to give in (I used the word 'give in' because I've compromised earlier already), I cannot overcome this inside me.
The talk started last year that I have to live with my future in-laws at Seng Kang, away from my usual comfort area. Before knowing him, living with future in-laws has never ever occur in my mind before. To me, it is a routine, a norm that when we grow up to build our family, we leave our parents unless they need medical attention which I will not shed my responsibilities. I've seen too much from those who are living with the in-laws and most of them ended up with someone being unhappy. Of cos, the unhappiness is short term and it disappear soon enough. But I just want to avoid any discomfort in the hearts. In insurance, we learn that there is risk avoidance, risk acceptance, risk transferred. What I'm doing now is to avoid any necessary risk. Is this being unfilial? I mean I'm totally fine with his parents. They are nice folks to begin with. But we will never know what will happen. For the better or worst, I just want to avoid it so it can stay good always. So that he can avoid the situation when he has to take sides...
Reason for not wanting to stay with future in-laws:
1) Which married couple do not want their own space? Who do not want to have a home of their own? But I guess he has a point too, which mother do not want to live with their son? But seriously, this has never occur to me. To be, it is very logical that when people get married, they move out and parents have to accept it. Perhaps it is my upbringing that my parents have never put this across to any of us. To me, my parents yearn to have the '2 persons' space again after the children are all married. Afterall, the time that a couple stay together alone is only perhaps at most 5 years? Then the children will be born and then the '2 persons' world will disppear till perhaps 25 years later when children gets married? By then, we dun even know if we will be alive to witness it.
2) Some times, although the relationship with the future in-law is good currently, it doesnt mean that when we live together, we will be in harmony too. This is the most worrying part. Two different people are brought up differently. What I do may not seem as a norm to the other. When things get bad and then we decide to move out, I guarantee that it will not be a pleasant sight. So why not stop this from happening? I know my bad habits. Even my mum told me since I was young never to stay with my in-laws as I will make them angry because of my laziness. Only my mum can stand me. How can I ask my mum in law to wash my clothes daily, wash my plates, clean my floor, change the bed sheet? She is not my maid, why should she do that for me. It's not as though I will not do all these but if there is someone whom I can rely on, I think the tendency of me doing all these chores will be 'taiji' to whoever it is. Otherwise, I will dilligently do it since I have no choice. Also, I'm very particular about cleanliness. I'm very afraid to mess up the kitchen and I do not keep things. I throw whatever stuffs I think it will not be useful instead of keeping it and wait to see we will use it in future. FYI, I do not have a storeroom at home currently cos my parents do not believe in storing things too. On the other hand, his mum loves to cook and bake. It's her hobby and I dun expect her to stop just because she is living with me. I dun wan to do that too. She should continue to do whatever she loves. But the problem with me is that evern frying an egg in the kitchen, I will clean the whole damn floor just like my mum. We are tuned this way. Making the kitchen oily really pissed us off. See our differences now?
3) What about privacy? I was telling him, he can comfortably dig his nose, fart etc but I can't even sit with my legs up on the chair. I still have to behave. It's just not me. I still have to watch over my language, my body posture every now and then.
4) As mentioned, we have different religion. He is a free thinker. But his parents are taoist. I'm a Christian. So how? where are his parents going to put all those idols? Actually, this is not so crucial to me. I can always give them a space but do I really want to house it? As much as I dun, I have to so that he will not be torn apart again.
5) What about my dog, Furby? He's my responsibility. It would not be nice to ask my mum to take care of it. I love dogs and I'm determined to bring him to wherever I will go. But I think his mum do not really like animals for fear of dirtying the place. I seriously will bring Furby with me.
Of cos, there are pros to it too. I mean it's good to have the more the merrier mindset. It's good when I go back there is a meal waiting for me. It's good that I can leave my children and go to work without worries. But when I weigh all these, the cons and still more troubling than the pros.
So I compromised. Let's get a place near them. Seng Kang then. It is never easy for me to leave my parents too as much as how he is feeling towards leaving his parents. What's more, I'm going to be at the other side of the island. For him, if we are still within Seng Kang, he can always pop by daily. Me? I can't. I love my parents as much as he does. I cant bear to leave them as much as him too. And so we agreed that we will look at Seng Kang flats, best is opposite blocks and he even suggested same block or the next unit beside his home. I mean next unit or same block will bring us back to problem number 3. Of cos, we have to give our keys to them which I totally do not mind. But I will never know when they will pop by. What if one day I've forgotten to bring the towel to the toilet, what if my toilet paper ran out suddenly and I came out to refill or to get that towel and then, someone opened the door? I will always have this 'fear', is someone opening the door or coming soon? I mean considering all these, I'm willing to give this a try if there is really no other choices. Again, I do not want to torn him apart.
However recently, he said his mum had hinted for us to stay together. His sister followed up on this. I'm sad. It seems that I'm the trouble maker. Refuse to give in. I know it is very difficult for him. Very tough decision for him and as much as I want to ease his pain, I really cannot bring myself to say ok. Even if I say ok now, in future, I know I will harp on this matter and blame him if anything were to happen. This will sour our relationship too. I even help him to think of alternatives which I did not propose cos I think it will not help much in the long term.
Anyway, he said to leave it to him. I surely hope this matter will not caused his family to dislike me. I'm pretty upset with the fact that because of my presence in his life, he has to make such decision. Some how, some where, we all have to grow up isnt it?
can someone tell me I'm not abnormal to refuse living with the in-law? Am I plain selfish or is it valid? Are these just excuses to possess him or is it logical? Am I the only one thinking about this? I know we cannot avoid this issue or delay it further. But I know thinking of a solution to this is not simple at all. This is the last thing we want to be troubled about. Someone please convince me... ...
