All I Want For Christmas...

Every year during Christmas, I dream of going to church together with my whole family and this is the dream I will hold on to dearly every year. Many people will ask Christians why are you all so eager to bring people to know God? Do we even have a commission for it? Honestly, no, in fact, we get rejected most times but I admired those that pressed on especially those that go all the way to explain to strangers door to door. I dun have such courage and honestly, I do not bother if it's not my loved ones or friends. Call it selfish but I am not courageous enough for it which is a wrong mindset...

Many times I could simply ignore the fact because I know that I believed in Him and I have a place in Heaven. More over, in Heaven, we will not remember our loved ones anymore so I can be selfish and care only for my own. But that's the whole thing that made me very sad too. Knowing that at this point of time when I can help my loved ones and friends, I tried my best to share especially to my beloved husband and parents. Anyway, it's really not up to me to touch their hearts. It is the job of the Lord. I used to think negatively about Christianity too. So I understand what is going through their mind. Why Christians must ask us to go church ah? Why they also act so evil at times ah? Anyway to be honest, Christians are just human like any one of us. The exact reason why we need God to cleanse us up for we cannot turn good alone. Imagine killing someone and go tell the judge that I am sorry. In real life, we know that sorry in that case is not use. Just like now, being regretful for all the things we have done hoping to go Heaven is just like telling the Judge we are sorry.

And the reason for asking people to church is because we do not want our loved ones to be left behind... To be honest, one day, all of us will die, there must be a place our soul will go and who doesn't want it to be heaven? At times, thinking about my deceased grandfather, I felt sad that he did not even have a chance to know God and he must be in a place everyone dreaded most...

My turning point came when something happened years ago. Of cos, many times, it was during these weaker moments that you get into desperate measures and you start praying to every thing you think that can help you. I did that! However, when I had the solution, I simply termed it as coincident. But after dozens of coincident, I know that there must be some truth to these. After hearing so much from others and tallying the accounts in the bible, things started to get clearer each time. Ever since, whenever I am down or with difficulties, I know I am never alone again. I never fear death honestly. I only fear for my loved ones after my death should it happen...

Anyway, every Xmas, I get very emotional. I see happy families attending churches together and I really look forward to the day that is reserved for my own family. Till then, all I want for Xmas is really just for my loved ones to believe, believe in Him.

Learn As I Teach

I have gotten a class with many challenges and behavioural issue this year. I was told that the management was debating if a beginning teacher like me should be given such a class. In the end, my principal said I could manage. I do not know why, out of nowhere, I was deemed to be fierce by a few in the school which I know my friends would disagree. I have to say that I am very different when I am in classroom settings though. Anyway, this was a bunch of Primary 3. When I first entered the school, many teachers were saying 'Good Luck' to me, making me feel fearful and I was having alot of negative thoughts, even doubting my abilities. But I told myself I have to see for myself to believe it.

Others have a bad impression of this class and my principal will walk in every now and then to 'counsel' this class last term because there were a few notorious ones in here. I have a few trouble makers, three special needs and one with extreme anger management. Was told that he tried to kick a table and chair towards a teacher last term. In Beacon, my worst experience was Javier and there was only ONE Javier in class! Now I have a handful, not to mention that the learning abilities of pupils in this class were as diverse as heaven and earth. I have super sensible A graders, versus, troubled U graders. In the end, I made a torn decision that I have to cater to the mass in the class and my U graders have drifted even further. They will never catch up. The problem about them is they have no parental guidance at home and my hands are tied. There are only so  much that I can cater for them. I am not a private tutor. I have no means to save everyone. I realised I have to have this mentality or it's very draining for me and I do feel a big stone on my shoulder. After speaking to the previous form teacher who has been giving them remedial with no improvements, I decided to concentrate more on those at-risk and abandon a few lost sheep. So cruel is the educational system at times...

The first week in school, I entered the class with a poker face. No nonsense and scolding people for every little thing. I may sound like a witch but I guess it really helps me a long way. After 4 weeks, I see my fruits of labour and whoever told me that my class is the worst lot is because you did not interact with them enough! It wasn't as bad I thought! If I had allowed negativity to engulf me earlier on, I think self fulfilling prophecy might have set in. Just yesterday as we celebrated the Racial Harmony Day, a parent volunteer who has no prior knowledge of the class told me, "Teacher, your class is the best I've seen so far today". I was really delighted!

Sucky Weekends

Ben has been busy coaching soccer or busy working (which I can accept better) during the weekends. I'm left at my in-laws home, from the time I woke up all the way, doing nothing! One day is torturing enough but two days really drives me crazy. Seriously, I really do not understand what's the training for. So intense? Some national competition? Sigh~~ 

Honestly, it's not as if I am possessive or what. Whenever he needs to go out with his friends or even his weekly soccer games on Wednesday, I did not stop him. I know that I should not deprive him of his little 'me' time with himself but I think it's getting a little too much. You may argue that well, that's the only leisure he is having but am I to blame if his friends did not jio him out? He did get his weekly dosage on Wednesday too what... The problem for weekends is that his soccer training can take place all the way from 3pm to 7.30pm and prior to that, he might need to work. When he's back, bath, come home, he surfs net etc, I am left with nothing to do again... What is worst is, the coach will Whatapps him throughout when he's back! I mean hey, after taking my husband away to the training grounds two days a week, you cant finish whatever you want to say over there? My last straw came when we were shopping at Giant / Ikea and I was damn tolerant for the first hour but when I still saw him msg-ing after an hour , I totally lost it. It's totally bullshit. He has forgotten that he is married...  Especially now with the Euro league, I realised I've totally 'lost' my husband because he does not sleep till the wee hours so yes, I'm alone in the noon till evening and at night... Period~~~ 

Procrastinating

I'm supposed to be updating my NIE blog but decided to update this instead. =) Was going through my hard disc and found many good old pictures where memories linger. Realised that Kai Li and me has been celebrating our birthdays since Orlando times! I decided to consolidate all the photos and I'm proud to say that we have not changed much (Pls agree! ) except for the occasional contraction and expansion. Haha. Here are some of the pics!

As our number gets bigger, the candles started to shrink! So irony! 

Hi, I'm Back!

I have not been updating this religiously. So I do not know where and how to start. I was reminded by a friend that there weren't any updates for quite sometimes already and when I logged in, it was indeed long. There is this inertia and it's really hard to continue. I dunno what I should blog on or where I should start now. The last post was when I was still in Beacon, when I was still on a 'Single' status, when I was still living back home in Bukit Panjang, when I have not gotten my Post Graduate Diploma...

Today, I'm no longer in Beacon. In fact, I'm being attached to a new school soon. I completed my Post Graduate Diploma and I'm married happily. But I'm living in Seng Kang which I am still adapting to...

Many kinds of mixed feelings within me because logically, many things happened within these many months when everything became new. I'm still learning how to be tolerant and patient to my husband and in-laws. I would say they are really nice peeps but different habits and cultures may cause some queasy moments. I still miss my family and my dog which Ben may not understand. Nothing changes for him but everything changes for me. He's still living in his neighbourhood, living with his parents, same kind of pampered treatments and even gained a wife. But to me, I felt alone at times because I miss my dog, my family, my old school and even my neighbourhood. The times when I have to clean my room, change the bedsheets, wash my clothes and iron my clothes (which I absolutely detest!) reminds me of my wonderful mum the most. I did not have to do all these when I'm home. Guess I am quite affected by all these when emo period hits.

Over here, I learnt to adapt and adhere to a new lifestyle. I need to eat breakfast, I need to drink Ginseng and chicken essence, all of these which I do not usually do it. Not that I'm complaining that it is no good but it seems that I do not have any choices at times. I know some things are good for me but it's not within my routine YET. I miss my mum's food. My MIL cooks well but it's just not my kind taste because I am a choosy eater. It's my fault, not anyone's... Not that I want to make my husband feel bad because I know there's nothing much he can do but I just hope he can empathized with me, which he has been doing well so far. I really hope that my home will be here soon so hopefully, I will feel more comfortable? Hopefully by next year 1st quarter! =)

Anyway, as for career, I have graduated from my intense course in NIE. I tot I would die there since I was also preparing for my wedding then. But it seems that I can handle stress much more than I tot. I am pretty happy with my results with the efforts that I had put into. I am now posted to Fernvale Primary School and I no longer enjoy morning strolls to my work place unlike the past. Despite being in Seng Kang too, it still takes me about 30 minutes to come home as I need to change the LRT lines. LRT within LRT... How sad is this man! But seems that the school is fine, still trying to know the colleagues but they seemed to have their own bunch of cliques already so might be quite tough. I miss the interactive board and laptops in Beacon though. I'm trying to adapt using markers to teach.

Marriage life is going on well. Ben and me are still very much like before, acting childish and behaving like boy-girl friend. So far, he really has been a very good bf and husband, just need to be more sensitive haha! (if he is reading) We do not really argue so everything is quite peaceful between us. Life is simple and good. Things fall into place nicely so far.

Ok, I'll continue again soon cos my eyes are really closing soon. I'll gather and organise my tots to pen down systematically again. Till then, cheers! =D

Pretty Face

This is one pretty lass in my Chinese Dance Class. She's smart and sweet. Hopefully in future, my daughter will look like this too then I will not allow her to go out and meet guys! Whahahhaha...

Heart Warming Ending

Just like week, something happened in the class which makes me felt it was partly my mistake but yet, caused a boy in my class to be the first ever Primary 2 boy to be canned. Schools do not usually canned children from Primary 1 and 2.

I have this boy in my class who lives with his auntie and grandparents. His parents are not with him since young and they only see him once a blue moon. I was told they were divourced and away in Malaysia. Anyway, on Monday, the children brought money to buy the class photographs. Despite telling the idiotic parents to give exact change to their children, one parent chose to give a big $50 note to her 8 years old son, I'm calling him Alpha. I really dun understand why is it so difficult to find $30 (exact amount) for the child since the consent form was given like 10 days ago. And so my worst fear came true...

As I was afraid that Alpha would lost the change of $20 or rather chose not to return to his parent, I gave him the money in front of the class, asking the class to be my witness that the money was indeed returned to him. Because of that, I had tempted this poor boy in the class who came from a broken family and is not very well to do.

So I will call this boy Baddie. Baddie then stole the $20 from Alpha and went to buy toys. $20 is really a huge sum of money for a 8 years old. Because of that, I had no choice but to report his case. I felt that I had a part in this because if I were to return the money back to Alpha discreetly, this would not happen. But I came with an intention to protect myself as I'm afraid Alpha would lost the money and his parents would blame it on me. Anyway, I learnt a lesson here. Baddie told me Alpha was showing off his money too which Alpha did not admit about it.

So in the end, Baddie got 2 strokes of cane. He has never been disciplined, do not know how it felt to be canned and there I was, sitting right in front of him , principal and a few other discipline teachers looking at the anxious boy. He had problems retelling the whole scenerio but when the time came, he tried his very best not to cry but I guess the strokes of cane was too big for him to handle and he burst out crying badly. Upon seeing that, my heart started to sink and I began to tear too. So the whole episode ended with him being counselled and I told him that I really cared for him thus I need him to be punished to realise his mistakes. I said I love him and but that does not mean I can accept those behaviours. I do not want him growing up the wrong way because this was not his first time. I expected him to really dislike and hated me for what I had done.

However, things started to change otherwise. I think he realised that I geniunely cared for him and these days, he has been giving me excuses to wait for me to go home with him. Usually he would walk back alone but he came to me and said he would want to wait for me and walk home together. He lives opposite my block. I was really surprised. Today he waited a good 45 minutes for me on the bench near the school gate patiently. I asked him why he did not want to go home himself like the usual self, he said his auntie and granny asked him to wait for me and walk back together. I knew he was lying but I played along. I felt very touched because I really expected him to hate me for sending him to the discipline team. So while walking home today, I chatted with him and asked what was his wish. And the reply came was "Love". I felt very sad for him really. Love should be a simple, basic needs that all children should have but sometimes because of some selfish reasons caused by the adults, depriving the child of their basic needs and the child became the victim. Seriously, people should have some responsibility to the child. Even if they chose to be separated, someone has to take ownership of the child. They are not some toys. They need to be taught. When he told me that, I was dumb founded. I do not know what I can say to encourage him but merely smile and said, teachers in school will love you if you behave well.

Every other day, I hear interesting stories in school about parents. Although it does spice up my teaching career but some stories are so absurd that you really hope that it will never ever happen to anyone in your family. Of cos, I also learnt that I cannot be liable to all the children and I cannot make their problems , my problems because my obligations to them stops after school. I was told that if I do more than what I should, I will be very burdened by all these unhappiness and injustice in the child's family. This counselling would be the job of the psychologist, not teachers. I have to constantly remind myself not to ponder too much on the child's family back grounds as each family has their own problems...